OPEN WIDE & SAY AAAHHHHH

A Counter burger.

In anticipation of our May trip to Los Angeles, the husband and I spent countless hours researching the food scene of that city. As it was a family trip, we knew we’d have a jam-packed schedule, and thus much time was spent by Señor O in mapping out eateries and reviewing menus and online comments. At last, our selections were meticulously organized into an Excel spreadsheet and off we went. Don’t laugh – this document was as precious to us as maps of the stars’ homes are to Hollywood tourists.

Among the places we chose to visit was The Counter, a burger joint that claims to offer 312,120+ different, DIY, burger combinations said to be “as unique as each customer.” I don’t know who crunched the numbers necessary to come up with that figure nor how exact it is, but I can confirm that the number of choices offered on their check-this-box-if-you-want-this-on-your-burger menu is dizzying: Beefturkeyveggiegrilledchickenorinabowlbuildyourownburgerwithoutthebunchoicesareagainbeefturkeyveggieandgrilledchickennowinstep#2youcanpickacheeseanycheesesteprightupandpickoneortwooreventhreefromgruyèretoyellowamericantoHORSERADISHCHEDDARifyouarenotoverwhelmedyetmoveontostep#3andchooseuptoFOURtoppingsbutnoyoudonothavetostopatfourpayalittlemorenadupittosixseveneightifyourstomachandbunscantakeitgoaheadmakeitblackolivesdillpicklechipsHARDBOILEDorfriedEGGSandorSPICYPEPPERONCINISandthenSTEP#3.5!!!!!foronemorebuckonlyCHILIoravocadoorFRIEDONIONSTRINGS…

OK, I think you get the gist of it. The only things really missing from this vast menu are whipped cream and maraschino cherries – I think those are reserved for their equally exorbitant shakes.

It took me a while to settle on a 1/3-pounder beef burger with Gruyère, grilled pineapple, bacon, and I forget what else. I really wanted a fried egg but thought that with the grilled pineapple and other etc.’s would be a bit much. Imagine then my surprise when I opened up Gourmet’s July issue to discover the Aussie Burger, a Down Under burger that could hardly be contained between two buns. The ingredients in this Oz-worthy sandwich: beef patty, fried eggs, grilled pineapple, pickled beets, grilled onions (optional), and chile mayo. One glance at this whopper’s gorgeous photo was all I needed to declare it Burger Night – plus, I’d baked rolls the day before and the leftovers would be put to very good use.

Behold, my Open-Wide-and-Say-Ahhh-Burgers:

BEER, IT'S WHAT'S FOR DINNER

A couple of years ago I experienced some dizzy spells. It felt like I was looking down over the edge of a tall building even though my butt firmly seated on a chair and the soles of my feet stuck to the floor. It was vertigo. Yes, like the Hitchcock movie, minus Jimmy Stewart. Anyway, I zigzagged to the doctor and got a prescription that knocked me out cold, and then a few days later I was fine.

My good friend C. loved to tease me about this wacky malady, but I didn’t mind because it was all in the past. Or so I thought. For three weeks now I have been walking on unsteady ground. It’s like I’ve just gotten off a roller coaster. Or woken up after downing a bottle of champagne, my cerebellum floating in day-old fizz. Only this is far worse because I didn’t get the cheap adrenaline rush from the ride or had a good time boozing last night.

I finally went to see a doctor yesterday, but was more upset going out than coming in. I think one spends more time with the cashier at a fast-food drive-thru than with one’s PCP. Still dizzy, and now in a tizzy, I returned home and decided making dinner would make me feel better. Besides, I needed to see if I could cook in the Elf Kitchen.

To keep the dizzy theme going I set about making beer stew. It was rather delicious; I think Rizzo was on to something when she said that a little sneaky peek gets the party going:











BEER STEW FOR TWO
*At The Mister's insistence, I must tell you that this will yield plenty of leftovers. I'd say it was enough for four, but I like to be selfish and reheat the remaining portions because it tastes so much better the next day.

2 lbs. boneless beef chuck, cut into 2-in (bite-size) pieces
3 TBSP. all-purpose flour
Vegetable oil
Butter
Salt & pepper
Granulated sugar
1/3 C. pancetta, cut into 1/3”-thick pieces
Half a medium-sized onion, finely chopped
1 clove garlic, minced
4 whole canned tomatoes, crushed
Fresh thyme
Bay leaf
2 bottles of ale (I used 11.2 oz. bottles of Leffe)

Vegetables*
*Note: I like to eyeball the amount of vegetables going into the stew, because I, for instance, love pearl onions and add quite a few, but if you prefer, say, carrots, you may want to add more.
Pearl onions (preferably fresh, but frozen will do)
Baby carrots
New potatoes
Peas (frozen)

1. Generously season beef chunks with salt and pepper.

2. Add about 2 tsps. vegetable oil to a very hot, smoking stew pot and add half the beef. You want the beef to get nice and brown on the outside. Don’t overcrowd the pan because the meat will steam rather than sear. Transfer the beef to a plate and sear the remaining amount. Set aside.

3. Lower the heat to med-lo and, if the pan is dry, add a bit more oil. Add the pancetta and allow it to render some of its fat. Next, add the minced onion and cook, stirring 3-5 minutes until translucent. Add the minced garlic and cook for an additional minute. Remember, the pan shouldn’t be too hot because the finely minced garlic will burn and impart a bitter taste.

4. Add the crushed tomatoes and cook just until some of the liquid has evaporated, about one minute. Increase the heat to high and pour in the beer. Bring to a boil and return the seared meat to the pot. Reduce to a simmer, add the thyme and bay leaf, cover and allow to cook 1 ½ - 2 hours. Do not boil or risk toughening the meat.

5. In the meantime, prepare your vegetables. Sauté the pearl onions in a bit of butter and season with salt and pepper. Add 1 – 2 tsps. of granulated sugar to aid in caramelization. Once the onions are nicely golden, set aside.

6. Repeat steps with baby carrots and set aside.

7. Cut potatoes into large dice and reserve in cold water.

8. Add the onions, carrots, and potatoes to the stew when it’s about 20 minutes away from being done. Add the peas at the very end right, as they will cook very quickly. Adjust seasoning and remember to take out your bay leaf before serving!

ROYALE WITH CHEESE

If you were wondering what finally happened at the airport, here it is:

I succeeded in my plan to have a healthy breakfast and ignore BK and McDonald’s. Ignoring BK was east, as there is no outpost at EWR. McD’s was a a feat: you can access it via two counters, one in the main corridor and the second within the actual food court. Also, there is a 12-foot Ronald over the counter windows, smiling his big red smile, arms wide open in welcome, fingers spread out, beckoning! Am quite certain there are subliminal messages calling out to innocent passersby… “Coooooome to meeeee….” Struggling with my inner Greedy Smurf I marched resolutely to my gate.
By 10:00am my stomach was grumbling and I had a bagel, but I thought it was a much better choice than a hashbrown patty.

Once on the plane my sacrifices were proven to be for naught: the lunch trolley rolled down the aisle bearing lunch – a microwaved burger with American cheese in a cellophane wrapper was handed to each passenger. I craned my neck and peeked through the space in the seats in front of me, and, unsavory as the thing looked, I smiled and eagerly reached out my paw when the flight attendant said perkily, “Burger?!”

I was expecting to taste public school cafeteria, but it was, shockingly, a slight improvement on that childhood nightmare.

The best part was the wrapper. This uniquely American creation (its being microwavable was just the icing on the cake) was manufactured by a company whose logo is a little, mustachioed chef by the ultra-French name of Pierre!